HOW TO BE A COMPLETE JERK
Carry a grudge.
Cross your leg over and keep shaking your foot.
Whatever it is, be against it.
Power trip.
Keep the car behind you from making the light.
Pretend you didn't hear the question.
Before you give that hearty handshake, sneeze into your hand.
When you do something bad, use someone else's name.
When the collection basket is passed to you, help yourself.
Assign blame.
Develop a truly blank look.
Raise your voice so that people who don't speak English will understand you.
Staple the check to the billing statement before mailing.
Eavesdrop.
Blow your horn as soon as the light turns green.
Blow your stack.
Rub everyone the wrong way.
Actually chill out.
Begin a job interview by asking about the holidays.
Tell your hostess her dishes are dirty.
Dampen spirits and edit out joy.
Strive to be politically perfect, not just politically correct.
When the pianist pauses, applaud.
Be one the guys who just doesn't get it.
Show people where they went wrong.
Insist that you were first.
Remember, all's fair in love and war.
Send gifts C.O.D.
Be redundant, time and time again.
Talk in rhyme all the time.
Never, never change your routine.
Look busy.
Have all the answers.
Suggest to mourners that they cheer up and look on the bright side.
Tickle people.
Say you're sorry in a cheerful, lilting voice.
Slap people on the back.
Show up late.
Leave early.
Recommend that she shave her legs more often.
Be in contempt of court.
Bear false witness.
"Shoot" the messenger.
Break hearts, wind, and rules.
Bring pizza and beer to the Intensive Care Unit.
Tell your children babies come from storks.
Contradict your spouse loudly in public.
The phonier the better.
Ask very personal questions.
Take advantage of everyone.
Play mind games.
Preach gloom and doom.
Quote Rush Limbaugh to feminists.
Quote Rush Limbaugh to anyone with an IQ over 30.
Insist that people search for things that aren't lost.
If you can't bedazzle them with your brilliance, baffle then with your bullshit.
Try getting away with murder.
If that doesn't work, try mayhem.
Don't know and don't care.
Suggest nose jobs to your friends.
Delve into things that are none of your business.
Create warring factions in your family.
Believe you are above the law.
Lean back and look at your visitor through a thin, cold smile.
Count your chickens before they are conceived.
Make a visitor stand.
Dont hesitate: Show the contempt you feel.
Tell everyone to prove it.
Never let it be good enough.
Rapidly blurt out your address to someone who is writing it down.
Stop as soon as you get off the escalator.
Tell him you bought a fake Rolex just like his.
Point out that her necklace plays up her double chin.
Allow every man his say, then contradict it.
Tell tall tales.
Keep on talking and talking and talking...
Tap their stemware to see if it rings.
When you meet people, make it clear you're sizing them up.
Go ahead: Ask what your country can do for you.
When your co-worker asks if you like his new haircut, cough.
Pop a child's balloon.
Say "uh-oh" a lot.
Don't give an inch.
After the first person gives you directions, turn and ask someone else.
A little white lie never hurt anyone.
