Build a snowman on a street corner, in front of a fire hydrant. When the neighborhood hoodlums come and take a flying kick at it, or even better try to knock it down with a car...you know...they'll be sorry.

Keep a nice, sturdy piece of velcro handy and, when standing behind a rather obese person in line, give it a loud rrriiiippp when they bend over.

Bogus letters are a wonderful way to prod a guilty conscience. For the following, you should prepare what looks to be the second page of letter, the idea being to let the victim think think that the sender mistakenly forgot to include to first page, which has all the juicy details. The page that the victim does get reads as:

so the IRS agents finally acted as though they were satisfied. I tell you, I've never been so thoroughly grilled before. They certainly seemed to know all about your little schemes. I'd say it's only a matter of time before they visit you too. It might look better if you turn yourself in before they get to you.

I hope you won't let this affect our friendship, whether you get things cleared up or not. I was up against a wall, what else could I do?

Good luck,

(illegible signature)

Never waste a wrong number! If you get repeatedly bothered calls for "Jackie" that are obviously wrong numbers, ask who's calling. Cover the mouthpiece, then come back after a minute and tell them "Jackie is really furious with you, and doesn't want you to call ever again." Then, hang up.

Cellular phones lend themselves to a plethora of practical joke opportunities. Try the following:

*While sitting in a restaurant with lousy service, call up the manager and complain. ("This is table 11, we haven't seen our waiter in twenty minutes!")

*If the service is really slow, call and have takeout ordered to your table from rival restaurant.

*Call up the grocery store and ask where they hid something. ("I'm standing on aisle 12, and I tell you the sugar isn't here!")

*Order pizza and tell them to deliver it to your car outside immediately.

*Stand outside a friend's house and dial their number. After a slight pause, ring the doorbell. Try to predict whether they will answer the door or the phone first. If they get the phone, then advise them that the door is more urgent, and hang up.  If they get the door, then hide the phone behind your back, and when they answer the door, tell them they should have got the phone first.

Forward all of your calls to a 900 adult service. When your friends, who may soon be your enemies, call you they will reach "Candy's Red Hot Chat-Line." Don't leave it like this for too long, those 900 calls really run up the charges. You can also use other destinations: the Paula Abdul Hot Line, the Penn State Football Update, NBC Soap Line, or the speaking clock. 800 numbers will also mystify the caller, and they won't cost anything.