When sitting
next to a stranger on an airplane, start talking before the plane leaves
the runway. If the person is a complete moron, you'll have time to pick
a new seat before they are all taken. Or better yet, maybe the person will
grow tired of you and leave.
Never
try to talk to a toll taker; they are trained to ignore you.
Never
try to talk to cab drivers; they won't understand you.
The best
people with whom to converse are cashiers. If you ask enough questions,
they'll become distracted and hopefully miss a few items.
Running
into old friends is the perfect opportunity for small talk. Since you haven't
seen them for a long time, you can make things up about yourself. I know,
it may not seem like fun now, but wait until you get started.
The infamous
generation gap can be easily bridged when talking to elders by bringing
up "the war." It really does not matter which war; since they
were probably involved in one conflict or another, they'll go on about
it into the wee hours of the night.
Restrict
small talk with distant relatives at family gatherings to the following
topics: health and/or maritial problems; opinions regarding the buffet;
how Dick Clark never seems to age.
Be prepared
for meaningless conversation when picking up a date for the first time.
If your date is not quite ready when you arrive, you'll have to talk with
parents, roomates, or siblings. Jump right into the conversation by telling
them how much you admire their slippers. It should be remarkably smooth
sailing from there.
A word
to the wise: Only advanced small-talkers should attempt conversation in
an elevator.